ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
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Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you