Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
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After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.