Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
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Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it