Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*kicks the door in*

PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR

No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*

*instantly make it worse

You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.

Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.

coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning

me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast

Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.

Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast

I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang

Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.

I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.

i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once