Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
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first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet