Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
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“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?