me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
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if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
the official breakfast of 2021
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
thank god the sign was there
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question