Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
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I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?