Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
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Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”