me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
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idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him