@sonictyrant

Me: *tips the waiter*

Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*

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@ArfMeasures

[My son’s 1st day of school]

ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast

TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now

@LoveNLunchmeat

“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.

@Marlebean

Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!

@longwall26

Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.

@ninjadinosaur1

I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.

@oneawkwardmom

I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts

@TheAlexNevil

All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.

@Playing_Dad

Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes

@JefeJK47

Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.