Me: *tips the waiter*

Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*

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[My son’s 1st day of school]

ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast

TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now


“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.


Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!


Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.


I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.


I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts


All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.


Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes


Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.