Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
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My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”