ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
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My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
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