Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
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I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?