me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
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Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.