Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
You Might Also Like
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.