Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
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Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Breakfast for Stoners:
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.