Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
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If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
damn he’s good
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?