Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
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Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.