Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
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ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
how much does a mortician urn in a year
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
Lmfaoooooo
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.