Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
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Never let them know your next move 😂
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.