ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
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Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?