Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
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As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know