Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
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We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Just a friendly reminder!
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow