Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
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space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
…żyje?
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air