Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
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My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok