Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
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A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
🤭😂
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
Sponch