me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year

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Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?





Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.


“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”


Watching the Olympics.
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.


So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.


Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.


Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.

– Why they wear masks


My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.


Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together

Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day


Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”


Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!