me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
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You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.