Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
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Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
It’s an epidemic…
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Not all heroes wear capes…
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Pretty much. 🤣
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.