Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
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ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?