Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
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It be like that sometimes 😆
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.