bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
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YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years