@AlmightyBored

Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?

Her: Justice.

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@PhriendlyCody

bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!

me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no

@TheAndrewNadeau

YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!

RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.

YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.

@AndyAsAdjective

HER: how was your day?

ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?

HER: it was that bad??

ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent

@shutupmikeginn

The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.

@13spencer

If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.

@Holy_Mowgli

Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*

Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?

@JohnLyonTweets

Parents: Never talk to strangers!

Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?

@TheToddWilliams

NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too

ME: Thoughts and bears

NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–

ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope

@OneLastStranger

Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro

@jonnysun

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years