Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
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My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
#milo
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Only short people can save us
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
This guy gets it.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.