ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
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Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?