me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
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a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
PLOT TWIST:
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa