@dulcetry

[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella

[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife

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@FrankTheDoorman

97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.

@HenpeckedHal

My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”

@HenpeckedHal

Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.

@YourYakiri

You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?

I’m like that, but with salad.

@fro_vo

INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes

BOSS: what should we call it

GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea

@Alex_but_online

[2 Years into Cosmetology School]

Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?

@adamgreattweet

when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??

@TitansHomer

I used to get bullied online.

Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.

@christinaloca

Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.