[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella

[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife

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97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.


My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”


Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.


You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?

I’m like that, but with salad.


INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes

BOSS: what should we call it



[2 Years into Cosmetology School]

Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?


when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??


I used to get bullied online.

Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.


Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.