@FrankTheDoorman 97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
@dulcetry [me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
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@FrankTheDoorman 
@HenpeckedHal My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
@HenpeckedHal Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
@YourYakiri You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
@elizaleela Whisper out to librarians!
@fro_vo INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
@Alex_but_online [2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
@adamgreattweet when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
@TitansHomer I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
@christinaloca Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.