Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
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Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
“what that mouth do?” complain
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Stick it to the man
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.