Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
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Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!