Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
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My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Thank you corporation very cool
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.