Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
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Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
Ion see the issue
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe