ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
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Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.