Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
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My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Breaking news:
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”