Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
You Might Also Like
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine