Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
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If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
this is funnier than any friends episode
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.