Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
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cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Had a spot of bother earlier.