me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
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My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.