Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
You Might Also Like
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”