me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
You Might Also Like
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
I’m about to risk it all
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.