me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
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Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
Every damn time
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
house sitting!
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.