Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
You Might Also Like
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
God, I love Scotland
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine