Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
You Might Also Like
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Single and childfree like Jesus
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.