Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
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*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”