me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
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(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube