@FredTaming

me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck

craps dealer: no soup at the table

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@ihyjuju

i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited

@RocketRankoon

You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.

@robin_991

Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.

@thejessbess

I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.

@TheNardvark

TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.

@TheBoydP

“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”

~My son apparently

@ParaJanitor

Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.

@GrowlyGrego

What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?

@MrSpoonicorn

*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd

@ddsmidt

I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.