me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck

craps dealer: no soup at the table

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i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited


You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.


Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.


I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.


TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.


“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”

~My son apparently


Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.


What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?


*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd


I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.