@FredTaming

me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck

craps dealer: no soup at the table

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@sofarrsogud

YOGA CLASS

INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog

*loud thud

GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.

@HumanPog

*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit

@egg_dog

“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’

@loribuckmajor

After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.

@BoutCrazed

“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.

@Cpin42

I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.

@MumInBits

Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago

@deloisivete

ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes

toddler: hold my cheerios

toddler: *drops cheerios*

@sixthformpoet

If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.