Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
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I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.